Nancy Drew is the Culprit
by Arglefumph
Summary: What if Nancy Drew was the main culprit behind the Nancy Drew series?
1. Message in a Haunted Mansion

"I don't believe it! There must be over a million dollars in here!" Nancy Drew said to herself as she knelt down to look at the treasure trove. She grabbed a handful of gold coins and put them into her purse. Reaching for another handful, she stopped. There were too many coins to fit in her purse. She'd have to put them in her luggage to get them all.

 _Do I have enough room in my luggage?_ Nancy wondered. Maybe she'd have to cash in some of the coins here. Or mail the leftover coins to herself, disguising them as something else. Theater props, maybe.

The front door opened. Nancy cursed silently. No one was supposed to be back from the Winter Festival yet! She made a desperate grab for the cover, hoping to hide the coins, but it was too late.

"Nancy? Is that-the treasure!" Louis gasped. "You found it! It's real!"

"Yes," Nancy said unhappily. "It was right under our feet the whole time."

Louis ran over and examined the coins. "I don't believe it! I thought it was just a silly story! These coins must be worth a fortune!"

Nancy sighed. "It was going to be _my_ fortune, before you butted in!" she said. "Now I have to take care of you!"

"Huh?" Louis asked, looking up. "What are you talking about?"

"I found the treasure for _myself_ , not for Rose," Nancy said. "A million dollars would look pretty nice, sitting in my bank account."

"Are...what are you saying?" Louis asked. "I thought you came here to help with the house!"

"I came here, in order to scam Rose!" Nancy said. "Thanks to all the accidents that I've created, Rose is almost at the breaking point. She's going to sell the house to me for dirt cheap, and I can immediately resell it at market value! A brilliant boost for the Drew Family finances! But the gold...hidden gold...it's worth so much more!"

" _You_ caused the accidents?!" Louis asked. "But that's impossible!"

"Well, some of the accidents actually _were_ accidents," Nancy said. "But I set the fire in the living room and broke the dumbwaiter. I was going to frame Charlie for it. You know he's living in the basement? Creepy guy. Imagine my surprise when I went up to the attic in order to trash it, and I found clues leading to these secret cache of gold."

"The money doesn't belong to you," Louis said automatically. "It belongs to Rose. This is her house."

"Oh, Louis," Nancy said. "I would have been willing to cut a deal with you. Say, 50% of the profits, in exchange for keeping your mouth shut? But you had to be noble. Now I have to resort to Plan B."

"What's Plan B?" Louis asked fearfully.

Nancy reached into her purse, grabbed the crowbar and smashed Louis in the head. He immediately fell unconscious onto the pile of coins.

"Oh no, Rose!" Nancy pantomimed. "Louis was the culprit the whole time! He was after the treasure hidden under the floorboards! As soon as I found it, he attacked me! But I escaped with...hmmm..."

Nancy looked around and saw the chandelier, almost perfectly lined up above the coins. "I dropped the chandelier on him! It was a daring escape! And it explains that injury on the top of Louis' head. It certainly wasn't from me!"

Nancy quickly set up the scene, disposed of the crowbar, then called for Rose and Abby. The two women were shocked to see Louis' unconscious body underneath the chandelier, lying on top of a pile of gold. At Nancy's request, they called the police and Louis was arrested. He tried to claim he was framed, but no one believed him. Who would? Louis was caught red-handed.

Nancy collected the finder's fee for the gold, but in her opinion, the amount the bank offered was rather pitiful. It wasn't even half of what she wanted! Rose was extremely excited about it, and kept saying that it would be enough to pay for the house renovations. So Nancy cut a deal. She gave the money to Rose, in exchange for 10% of the bed and breakfast's profits for the next fifty years. The business ended up being surprisingly popular, and the deal paid for itself in four years.

Of course, it didn't pay as much as the handful of coins that Nancy had slipped into her purse...


	2. Treasure in the Royal Tower

Nancy smiled as she reached out her hand. She was so close to _finally_ getting a treasure all to herself!

"That's the biggest diamond I've ever seen..." a voice said.

Nancy wheeled around to see Lisa standing there. "Where did you come from?" Nancy asked.

"I followed you," Lisa said. "I was worried about you, after I heard you were trapped outside and almost died. And when I saw you sneaking into the locked library..."

Nancy resisted the urge to facepalm. She had faked being locked outside as a ploy for sympathy! Clearly, that plan had backfired. How hadn't she noticed someone behind her, when she crawled through the air ducts?

"Well, this is it! The fabulous Queen's Tower," Nancy said. "Filled with elaborate treasures like this diamond. It used to belong to Marie Antoinette."

"Really?" Lisa asked.

"Really," Nancy said. "Listen, it's good you're here. Why don't you go back and get the authorities? I'll keep searching this room for hidden treasures." Nancy gestured towards the broken rose tiles in the mural. "As you can see, the culprit has already been searching here, and he's starting to get violent."

"He?" Lisa asked.

"Jacques," Nancy said. "His grandfather helped build this tower, and he passed on a few of its 'secrets' to Jacques. I'm almost certain he's the one who knocked me out in the locker area!"

As a matter of fact, Nancy had faked being attacked as an excuse to steal Jacques' medallion for herself, but Lisa had no idea about that. She nodded and said, "Right! Stay safe! I'll get the police!"

 _I bet you won't be happy to see them,_ Nancy thought, as she smirked. While Lisa went down the winding staircase, Nancy activated the trick stairs. Lisa fell into the makeshift prison.

"What-huh? Nancy, I'm trapped!"

Nancy leaned over the steps and smirked at Lisa. "Ha! Better get used to being in prison, 'cause you're gonna be there a long time!"

"What are-you're framing me!" Lisa gasped.

"Good," Nancy said. "Usually, it takes people much longer than that to realize what's going on."

"Darn you, Nancy Drew! You're the worst friend a journalist could ever have!" Lisa cursed.

Lisa was arrested, and Nancy was dismayed when Jacques-of all people-got the finders fee for the diamond. Another failed treasure hunt!

All in all, the trip to Wisconsin hadn't been a _total_ loss. Professor Hotchkiss' new book,  The Lost Diary of Marie Antoinette was on the bestseller list for over a year, and you know who got 25% of the profits? Nancy. She was the one who found the diary, after all.


	3. Stay Tuned for Danger

**Author's Note:** Tom Selleck's picture is on the hallway of actors, in _Nancy Drew: Stay Tuned for Danger_. It's kind of funny how they slipped a real actor in with all the fake ones.

* * *

Nancy smiled as she and Mattie walked through the hallways of Worldwide Broadcasting. It was so much fun being in a TV studio! And getting a personal tour from a famous TV star? How many other people got to enjoy that experience?

"-Pictures of our best actors," Mattie was saying, waving her hand towards the walls.

The walls had huge, life-sized pictures of actors. She recognized Mattie and Rick Arlen, of course, then there was some woman with glasses, an older man with gray hair, and...

Nancy stopped short. "Is that _Tom Selleck?_ " she gasped.

"Yes, he works here," Mattie said.

"Can I meet him?" Nancy asked. "Please please please?"

"Sure," Mattie said. "His office is on the third floor."

In less than five minutes, Nancy was standing face-to-face with her idol.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Hi, Mr. Selleck! I'm Nancy Drew!" Nancy said. "I _loved_ watching _Magnum P.I._ in the 80's!"

Tom looked confused. "You...how old are you?"

"Eighteen," Nancy said. "I've been a teenager ever since I started my detective career in 1930!"

Tom was polite enough after that, but he excused himself as soon as he possible could. Nancy could recognize that he was brushing her off.

Nancy grit her teeth. So, the people at WWB didn't believe her, huh? Well, she'd show _them!_ She'd show them what it meant to offend Nancy Drew!

Rick Arlen was the network's biggest star, right? Then he was her target. She would arrange for Rick to have a little "accident" with a kleig light...

"Can I see the set you'll be filming on today?" Nancy asked innocently.

"Sure," Mattie said.


	4. Secrets Can Kill Remastered

"Breaking news! I just figured out who Daryl is selling out to!" said the voice of Jake Rogers. "This guy! Can you believe _this_ dorkoid is the ringleader of some sort of clearing house for military secrets? And Mr. Clueless just left behind his journal which is full of secret phone numbers, telemetry encodings, et cetera, et cetera. I don't understand it all, but I do know he's willing to pay top dollar to get it back."

"Yes, but where _is_ the journal?" Nancy asked. As if by magic, the dead teenager answered her question.

"Just in case, I taped it under one of the book cartons at school. But I doubt he'll give me a lot of trouble, just a ton of cash."

Nancy smiled as she popped the VHS tape out of the player. "Bingo," she said.

She heard the door open. "Who is it?" she asked stiffly, before turning to see that the intruder was "Detective Beech", the "police officer" who had "hired" Nancy on this "mission" which had so many scare quotes around it, Nancy knew immediately it was a fake. She had pretended to go along with it, however. How else was she supposed to recover that missile?

"Detective Beech! I wasn't expecting to see you here!" Nancy said.

"I just thought I'd drop by and see how you're doing. You seem kind of in a hurry," Beech said.

 _No, I'm just startled that a creepy stranger has broken into my aunt's house uninvited,_ Nancy thought. Not that this _was_ her aunt's house. Aunt Eloise lived in an apartment in New York. This house had no owners, something Beech would have known if he really was a local police detective.

"I _am_ in a hurry," Nancy said. "I have to go to the bathroom."

"Oh," Beech said. "Have you located Jake's notebook yet?"

"I've figured out who the killer is," Nancy said. "Mitch Dillon, the HVAC guy." Nancy had known that from the start, and so had Beech. Which made him extra-stupid, for pointing her in the direction of the high school students.

"Good work, but do you have solid proof?" Beech asked.

"I'm getting it tonight," Nancy said, making things up off the top of her head. "Daryl and I will confront him at the pharmacy tonight. Connie will be on back-up, if we need help. Did you know she's a champion at judo?"

"No, I didn't," Beech said. He graciously stepped aside, to let Nancy pass. "Well, don't let me keep you."

Nancy paused for a second, while next to Beech.

"What is it?" he asked.

She couldn't very well tell him that she had no idea where the bathroom was in this house. So she did the next best thing. She stole the gun out of his pocket and clobbered him over the head with it.

When Detective Beech woke up four minutes later, he was in handcuffs. It wasn't long before he was arrested for his role in selling military trade secrets, as well as being an accessory to the death of Jake Rogers. Nancy had turned in all the evidence to the police, as an anonymous concerned citizen.

 _It feels good to do the right thing for once_ , Nancy thought. _Or...mostly the right thing, anyway._

Nancy kept tabs on the situation for a few weeks, but it turned out she didn't need to bother. Nobody noticed that four pages were missing from Jake's notebook. Four very important pages that earned Nancy a cool two million dollars...


	5. The Final Scene

"I'm asking everyone," Nancy said. "Where were you when Maya was kidnapped?"

"I was up here, testing the PA system," Joseph said.

"Oh, right," Nancy said. "I heard you, a few seconds before the kidnap..."

Nancy looked more closely at the machine that controlled the PA system. Instantly, her eyes scrunched, and she grabbed Joseph by the collar.

"Where is she?" Nancy demanded.

"Where is who?" Joseph asked.

"MAYA! You kidnapped my friend, you good for nothing scumbag!" Nancy said through clenched teeth. "Tell me where she is now, and _maybe_ I won't have the police arrest you immediately!"

"Now, I understand you're upset because your friend is missing, but you need to calm down," the older man said. "I just told you, I didn't kidnap her. I've got an alibi. I was using the PA system."

"Liar!" Nancy said, throwing Joseph against the wall. She dived beneath the PA system and pulled out the item she had seen. "I've seen these before. It's an audio timer, used to play a particular tape at a certain time. Looks like this one is set for 2:30. The same time as the kidnapping. I wonder what message is on this tape?"

Joseph began to sweat. "Now, Nancy, don't press the button..."

Nancy hit play. A recording of Joseph testing the PA system played.

"Busted," Nancy said. "Now where's Maya?"

"H-how did you know?" Joseph asked.

"I know a thing or two about creating fake alibis," Nancy said. She slammed her hand against the PA system. "You are going to free Maya, then call the police and turn yourself in. GOT IT?"

"B-b-but the theater!" Joseph said. "It's going to be demolished in three days! If I turn Maya over to the police, there won't be anything to stop them from tearing this place down!"

"Not _now_ ," Nancy said, gritting her teeth. And she had the perfect plan for the theater, too! Harry Houdini had been half-owner of the theater, the year that he died. She had been planning to "discover" some long-lost Houdini artifacts on the property. The artifacts were fake, of course, but they looked 100% real, thanks to the unwitting help of Sherman Trout, the boring man in charge of the Houdini collection at the Library of Congress.

With the discovery of these new documents, the property would have tripled in price overnight. As the majority shareholder in Brady Armstrong's company, Nancy would have made out like a bandit, whether or not he went through with his plans to renovate the theater.

Now that the police were involved, though, it was too risky for Nancy to pull off her scheme. She'd have to save the "lost historical documents" plan for another day. Maybe for her upcoming trip to the museum in Washington DC...

"I can't do this! I wasn't cut out to be a kidnapper!" Joseph started blubbering. "I just wanted to delay, until the St. Louis Historical Society meeting next week! I had honest intentions!"

"Last time. Where is she?" Nancy said.

"She's safe. You don't need to worry. I'm a good man!" Joseph said.

Nancy knocked Joseph unconscious with one of her karate moves. He didn't even put up a fight.

"I'll make sure to recommend that you get the maximum sentence," she said. She opened the door to the room and called down to Nicholas in the lobby below. "I found the kidnapper! It was Joseph!"

"What?" Nicholas called back. "The old guy? No way!"

"Yes way," Nancy said. "The evidence is in here. Quick, help me tie him up, so he can't do anything else before the police arrive!"

"Roger that!" Nicholas said.


	6. Secret of the Scarlet Hand

"Come on, you stupid thing!" Nancy cursed. "Open up already!"

"Nancy, what are you doing to the monolith?!" a shocked voice said.

 _Uh oh,_ Nancy thought. _I've been caught!_

She stepped away from the monolith to look at the intruder. As it turned out, it was Taylor Sinclair.

"Hey, Big Bunny," Nancy said, trying to play it casual. "I'm just trying to clean the monolith. It's got some dust on the side here..."

"Where did that hole come from?" Taylor asked. "Did you carve a piece out of the monolith with those tools? That's vandalism!"

Nancy sighed. "No, these aren't carving tools. They're lockpicking tools."

"Lockpicking tools?" Taylor asked.

"According to Henrik, the monolith opens up if you put the six jade keys in the right spots," Nancy said. "I don't have all the keys, so I decided to open this baby up the old-fashioned way."

"What jade keys? You mean the jade pieces that were stolen from Beech Hill and Prudence Rutherford?" Taylor asked.

"Exactly," Nancy said, wiggling her screwdriver. "And if I just..."

There was a loud grinding noise as one side of the monolith opened up. Taylor's jaw fell open in shock. "I don't believe it!" he said. "The monolith opens up!"

"It sure does!" Nancy said. "This is what the thief has been after all along!"

"I see," Taylor said. "Good work, Nancy! I knew you could solve the mystery! Let's see what's inside!"

"Right!" Nancy said. She wasn't paying attention to what Taylor was saying. She was too busy trying to think of a way to get rid of him.

Taylor was more than a little freaked out by the Whisperer's corpse, and for a brief moment, Nancy hoped he would run away screaming, so she could search the monolith in peace. No such luck. Taylor was right there with her, when she found the Whisperer's book.

"This book is empty," Nancy said. "It's blank!"

"Maybe the thief beat us to it and swapped it for a fake one?" Taylor asked.

"It's worthless now!" Nancy said. "All that work for nothing!"

"Are you kidding?" Taylor said. "That book is 1300 years old! We can sell it for a bundle!"

"That's right, you specialize in selling antiquities," Nancy said. "We'll split the profits 90-10, your standard fee."

"We're talking about an invaluable treasure that no one knew existed," Taylor said. "It should be 50-50."

"80-20," Nancy said.

"50-50. This sale will be more than enough for us to retire on."

"75-25," Nancy said. "I found it, so I get three-quarters."

"50-50, or I'll _donate_ it to the museum, instead of selling it," Taylor said. "If that happens, we won't get _any_ profits."

"You drive a hard bargain," Nancy said. "Okay, then. In that case..."

Nancy whacked him upside the head with one of the calendar stones. Taylor instantly collapsed, unconscious.

"That's for trying to cheat me," Nancy said. "And for wearing such an ugly tie."

"Nancy? What are you doing?" a voice asked.

Nancy turned around. Joanna Riggs, Alejandro del Rio and Henrik were all walking towards her. Judging from the furious looks on their faces, they had seen her hit Taylor.

Nancy thought quickly. "You're just in time!" she said. "It was Taylor Sinclair! _He_ was the thief! I caught him trying to rob the monolith!"

"The monolith opens up?" Joanna asked.

"What did he try to steal?" Alejandro asked. "Whatever it is, it belongs to Mexico!"

"It's a blank book," Nancy said, showing the treasure to the others. "What do you make of it?"

"It looks authentic," Joanna said. "I wonder why it was inside there."

"It belongs to Mexico!" Alejandro said. "Give it to me, now, or I'll have the entire exhibit cancelled!"

"You wouldn't _dare!_ " Joanna said.

Henrik didn't join in the fight between Alejandro and Joanna. He was too busy confronting Nancy.

"My memory is back," he said. "I remember that _you_ were the one who pushed me down the temple stairs."

"Have you told anyone?" Nancy whispered.

"Not yet, but I find the timing of your discovery to be incredibly suspicious," Henrik said. "When I tell the police..."

"You're not going to tell them anything," Nancy said. "Not unless you want to face jail time for theft."

"I didn't steal the Pacal! _You_ must have done it!" Henrik said.

Nancy rubbed her chin. Threatening Henrik hadn't worked last time. Maybe a different approach would work better.

"Cooperate with me, and I'll make you a hero," Nancy said.

She raised her voice, so Alejandro and Joanna could hear. "It's all thanks to Henrik that I solved this mystery! If it wasn't for him, I never would have stopped Taylor! _Henrik_ is the one who translated the riddle on the monolith!"

"The riddle?" Joanna asked.

"That's right," Henrik said, standing straight. "Do you see these glyphs here? They talk about six keys..."

* * *

All in all, it was a successful caper. True, Nancy had to return the Pacal carving in order to gain Henrik's compliance, but at least she still had some of the other jade pieces. Prudence Rutherford's necklace would probably sell for a fair amount. The Chaco Canyon Cultural Center's carving, not so much. As for Poppy Dada's...well, it was hard to tell if Poppy cared what happened to the carving.

The big success story came, when Nancy re-examined the monolith. This time, she did it at midnight, when no one would interrupt her. An intense search revealed the Whisperer's book. The _real_ book, not the blank one that must have been left to confuse potential robbers.

 _"_ Bingo," Nancy said.


	7. Ghost Dogs of Moon Lake

"Another puzzle? Really?" Nancy complained. "Mickey Malone had too much time on his hands."

The puzzle required her to match numbers to Roman numerals. Good thing Nancy was up to date on Roman numerals, courtesy of Ranger Akers' long, boring envelope sorting puzzle. What was with people at Moon Lake and Roman numerals anyway? Didn't they know how to count 1 2 3?

Nancy got the numbers correct, and the old door slowly opened, revealing 20 bars of pure gold.

"Yes, yes, YES!" Nancy cheered. She had found Mickey Malone's treasure! She could sell it and retire from her life of crime! All she had to do was find a way to get the gold up out of the well and safely to her car.

Nancy picked up a gold bar to test its weight, and oomph, it was _heavy_. She barely managed to carry it over to the ladder. Taking a moment to catch her breath, Nancy decided she'd have to create some kind of pulley system to get the gold bars out. No way was she going to be able to carry 600 pounds of bullion up a ladder.

"Well, what do we have here?" a voice asked from above.

Nancy looked up and saw Emily Griffin, the owner of Em's Emporium. Nancy cursed softly. Someone followed her all the way here? _Really?_

"What are you doing here?" Nancy asked. "Did you follow me, all the way from the cemetery?"

"The cemetery? Shucks, naw," Emily said. "There's an underground tunnel here that you can reach by boat. Never expected to see someone else in this place. You scared the bajeebies outta me!"

"Right," Nancy said, trying her best to hide the gold bar from Emily's view. "I thought you were scared of the ghost dogs that haunt this area?"

Emily laughed. "The ghost dogs haunt the cabin! Not here!"

"We're _under_ the cabin," Nancy said.

Emily shrieked. "We are? But that means the ghost dogs could get us at any moment!"

"Yeah, I hid inside this well to get away from them," Nancy said, thinking quickly. "Thank goodness you found me! Take me to your boat, and we can get out of here right away!"

"Nothing doing, Sweetie," Emily said. "Not until you show me what you're trying to hide underneath your hinter regions."

Nancy cursed herself for wearing her mom jeans today, instead of a flouncy dress. A dress would have done a _much_ better job of hiding the gold bar.

"This? It's a copy of The Hound of the Baskervilles," Nancy said.

"Never heard of it," Emily said.

 _Yeah, I know,_ Nancy thought sarcastically. _That's why it was so easy for me to fool you with that fake ghost dog story. Why couldn't you have been a good idiot and stayed away?_

"Looks like you got one of them gold bars," Emily said. "Mickey Malone's gold bars! Is it his treasure? I knew it couldn't stay lost forever!"

Nancy sighed. "Yes, it's Mickey Malone's treasure. The ghost dogs have been guarding it."

"Hot ziggety! I knew those old stories were true!" Emily said. "Hold on, I'm coming down!"

Emily came down the ladder and marveled at the gold bars. "We can sell them for a fortune! And imagine all the money I could make offa tourists who came here! Just so long as the ghost dogs don't come back!"

Nancy reached into her pocket and pulled out Red Knott's tape player. Her tape of howling dogs was still inside. She pressed the play button.

"Awoooo!"

"THE GHOST DOGS!" Emily cried. "Quick, we gotta get outta here! We gotta!"

While Emily's back was turned, Nancy smashed her on the head with the flashlight. Emily went down like a sack of bricks.

"That's for making me sort your stupid soda cans because you're too lazy to do it yourself!" Nancy said. "And what was the _point_ of sorting cola cans to make a fish picture? As soon as someone buys _one_ soda, the picture is ruined! But of course, nobody buys anything from your store, because Em's Emporium is _pure garbage!_ You literally sell garbage that you pulled out of the lake! How do you stay in business?! Especially if you try to force customers like me to get bait for you, for free! Dozen little critters, my butt! Good thing you're too dumb to notice that I stole the bait from your store! Seriously, you're a special kind of stupid if I can steal your bait and sell it back to you!"

Not content with cursing out Emily, Nancy continued her rant to include Ranger Akers ("I'll show _him_ where he should shove that Junior Ranger pin!") and Red Knott ("That creepy birdwatcher can choke on his binoculars for all I care!"). And since she was on a roll, Nancy also cursed Deirdre Shannon. She _always_ had time for cursing out Deirdre Shannon.

Eventually, Nancy stopped talking. She left behind all the incriminating evidence on Emily's person, then she climbed out of the well and locked the door from the outside. That way, Emily wouldn't escape, and she could be caught red-handed by Ranger Akers.

As it turned out, Nancy had accidentally forgotten to turn off the tape of howling dogs. Emily listened to it for over fifteen minutes, and by the time she was arrested, she was so frightened she couldn't speak a word, much less defend herself against the fraudulent charges. Another "mystery solved" by Nancy Drew!


	8. Danger on Deception Island

"Hello?" Nancy asked, picking up her phone.

It was Dwayne Powers. "We have a problem," he said.

Nancy sighed. Dwayne made for an enthusiastic minion, but he was too often incompetent. "I told you never to call this line, except for emergencies."

"This IS an emergency. The locals have found out about the smuggling plan."

Nancy said a bad word. "You mean someone got arrested?"

"No, I mean the orca has been spotted, by someone named Katie Firestone. The news has spread all over Snake Horse Harbor."

"The orca? What are you talking about?" Nancy asked. "I sent you to Washington to smuggle all those goods out of the country, not to go whale watching!"

"It's my underling's fault! I must confess, that man has NO TALENT for secrecy!" Dwayne said.

Nancy groaned. Somehow, she knew this would end painfully. "Tell me everything," she ordered.

Dwayne explained what happened. The good news was that the original plan-the one to smuggle Houdini artifacts, jewelry and other items that Nancy had "uncovered" during her investigations-went perfectly. Everything was moved out of the country, the police didn't suspect a thing, and the money was in Nancy's bank account by the end of the day.

The bad news was that Dwayne come up his own smuggling plan. His plan revolved around a sea chart, a pioneer diary and a killer whale. At first, Nancy thought this was just a bad joke, but no, it was real. Dwayne had concocted the most ridiculous smuggling plan Nancy had ever heard of.

"You used an ORCA to get cargo from the bottom of the ocean?" Nancy asked.

"Brilliant, right?" Dwayne asked. "I got the idea from the soap opera I used to work for!"

"And how long has the cargo been underwater?"

"Ten years, give or take."

"You honestly suspect that the cargo is going to be in perfect condition, after all this time?!" Nancy asked.

"Oh. Uh. Wow, that's a good point. But hey, tell you what! If the cargo is wet, I can use a hairdryer to dry it off! No problem!"

"BIG problem," Nancy said. "I'll bail you out this one time, Dwayne, but if you screw up again, don't expect me to help you out."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" Dwayne said. "I know the perfect fall guy. His hair is hideous."

"You can't frame someone for a crime, just because you hate his hair, Dwayne."

"Trust me. You haven't seen this guy's hair."

So it was that Nancy was forced to arrange a vacation to Snake Horse Harbor, where she framed Andy Jason for Dwayne's failed smuggling scheme.

When the Judge asked Andy if he pled guilty or innocent, Andy responded with "Whales rule!".

The Judge found him guilty.


	9. Secret of Shadow Ranch

"Hey! HEY! Everyone, come quick!" a voice called.

Nancy put down her romance novel and stepped outside. Shorty was there, jumping up and down with excitement.

"What's up?" She asked.

"Where's everyone else?" Shorty asked.

"George and Bess and off riding with Dave," Nancy said. "And Tex is...well, he's hiding somewhere, being grumpy, I guess. He doesn't seem to do anything else."

"Oh, shoot. I was hopin' to have a big crowd here when I announced it, but...I found the treasure!"

"What?"

"Dirk Valentine's treasure!" Shorty said. He was almost jumping up and down with pleasure. "I found it, up in some ancient cliff dwellings! I'm gonna need help getting it down, though."

"What exactly _is_ this treasure?" Nancy asked, curious.

"A box full of gold hearts!" Shorty said.

"Gold?" Nancy asked, remembering the golden treasure that she hadn't been able to collect in San Francisco. "That sounds valuable. We'd better go get it, before someone else does."

"Right! We're gonna need some rope and a container to hold it in," Shorty said. "It's pretty heavy, and we have to lower it quite a distance."

Nancy got a horse and followed Shorty to the cliffs. As they went along, Shorty explained the long and complicated scavenger hunt he had been forced to solve, in order to find the treasure. Nancy pretended to care. In reality, Shorty had lost her friendship forever when he had forced her to pick vegetables for him.

From there, events unfolded pretty much the way you would expect. Once Nancy got her hands on the treasure, she pushed Shorty through a hole in the floor, stranding him on the cliffside. By the time the police got to him eight hours later, Shorty was suffering from such severe sun exposure that he confessed to everything, including a number of crimes he didn't commit.

Nancy got the treasure back to the ranch, intending to hide in a secure location, a place that no one else would want to look: the vegetable patch.

"Hey, Nancy! What are you doing?" Dave asked.

"Looks like she's got something," Bess said.

Nancy flinched, then faked a smile. "You won't believe it, you guys! I found Dirk Valentine's treasure!"

George laughed. "We bring you here on vacation, and you find a treasure? Typical Nancy Drew!"

Nancy laughed along with her. She felt bad for lying to her friends, but Bess and George were better off not knowing about Nancy's criminal enterprises. At least, not until Nancy had made her first billion.

The entire crime ended up being a wash. The Sheriff had confiscated the treasure as evidence, and he refused to give Nancy a finder's fee. _Oh, well,_ Nancy thought to herself. _Easy come, easy go._


End file.
